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Anon is always SO happy to teach you how to cook. Remember: Everything tastes better with a few fistfuls of assertiveness and a couple of steaming piles of persistence! A big hello from "Big Momma" Anon! Everyone has been in a bit of a flurry around here ever since Redoxian nearly blew up the house with his prototype of a warp drive. Turns out it was actually just the motor off of the lawnmower with a turbo and fuel injection added in. He says that the automated plasma fluctuator became unstable after the initial electron boost. Atariman says "Redoxian is a freak.  Maybe we could kill him?" I was ok after putting my new wig out. This was somewhat hard to do seeing on as how I prefer to super glue them to my head.

Anon will help you stretch your money down to the last bit of pocket lint!

Ovenless Couch Potato Casserole: (Inspired by that weird-ass that lives in our basement)

-- 4 cups of assorted items from between the couch cusions
-- 3 tablespoons gelatin (or powdered eggs)
-- 14 cups of something moist
-- Something from a box that says "Little Debbie"
-- 2 (not 3) dashes of pocket lint
-- 1/2 pint of something crunchy
-- something pointy
-- something else
-- gasoline (see directions below for quantities)
-- 1/2 bottle of Tums
Step one: Put all of this stuff in a bowl. Take shoes off and stomp on the ingredients in the bowl until they have been sufficiently mashed together. You will know when this has been thoroughly mixed once the substance sticks to the bottom of your feet. Add something super absorbent (diaper, etc) if it is too wet.

Step two: Put shoes back on.

Step three: Light mixture and let gasoline burn off (crispyness depends on how much gasoline was added)

Step four: Use scoop shovel to transfer to casserole dish

Step five: Let substance cool OUTSIDE for 10 minutes

Step six: Grind up and apply Tums as topping to give it that festive look.


Anon's Hamburger Hacker Grande Meal (Inspired by an irate Taco Bell worker)

The recipe is rather simple.

1. Take some hamburger helper and put it in a bowl. Since we are obviously working on such a low budget, you can forget about the hamburger. In this case, we're screwing over the hamburger helper just because it volunteered. Now it has to do all the work.
2. Anyway, you add some water and perhaps 2-3 sticks of butter to give it that meaty feeling that it would normally lack without hamburger. This will also help pump up the calories and fat content.
3. Mix it all together with whatever mixing device you may have at hand. (weed-eater, rusty piece of metal, your hand) Don't bother washing any of these -- the cooking process kills off the disease and anything that falls off into the mixture adds an element of surprise when served!
4. Add just a touch of gasoline to help the cooking process along.

One problem often found with this recipe is that it normally turns out to be a paste. While this is normally ok in your average cafeteria, guests may become picky and demand something with a little more texture. Step 5 is purely optional.

5. Add in a couple handfuls of cheerios. This will make it seem like your guests are actually eating something that should have been hamburger. Try to use old cheerios as the cooking process tends to completely dissolve the fresh kind.

6. The final step is to cook your food product. The recommended way to cook this is to take two thick wires and place them into the wall socket. Put the other ends of these wires into the paste or cheerios mixture. You will hear a distinct boiling sound as your masterpiece begins to cook. Cooking will be complete when you no longer have to throw the circuit breaker back into the on position. When finished, the product will let off a little... er... 'steam'.. that just so happens to set off the smoke alarm.. and is black...

7. Since presentation is half of the effort, why not use something that everyone looks forward to in the mornings? Dump the product into an old Folgers coffee can. If there are any remaining grounds, just simply stir them in. They add that extra kick that one may need during the day. Voila!

--Double Minte Dessert--

Now, pay close attention!  The main idea of this lesson in culinary murder is to use misspellings to your advantage.  Think to yourself:  if this had been called "Double Mint Dessert", your guests would certainly be expecting something minty and delicious!  Well, if you are currently as poor as we are, then you know food that can be described with words like 'delicious' and 'edible' are simply things that we can't afford.  So -- when using misspellings, remember to make the name as phonetically similar as possible, but use as many misspellings as you can!  (Ex:  Olde Tyme Bakin Berger)  Once you have properly mangled the name, you can do the same to the dish!

Lets get started...

-- Step One -- This recipe is going to need sugar.  This is easily obtained by straining antifreeze from your neighbor's car through a piece of burnt toast.  If burnt toast cannot be found, toilet paper can be used as a substitute.

-- Step Two -- Since a good recipe has at least two ingredients, it will be necessary to find some flour to water down the antifreeze taste that our sugar will have.  Since the Pillsbury Fatboy doesn't give the stuff away, it will be necessary to rummage through your neighbor's trash cans until you find a loaf of moldy bread. 

Take this moldy bread and stuff it into a coffee can.  Stomp into the can until the bread has turned to mush.  If the bread is too dry, add something liquid to it (whatever is available.  perhaps the remains of the antifreeze). 

-- Step Three -- We now have our flour and sugar.  It is now necessary to add something that will make it taste like something.  Like most poor people, I don't have any chocolate.  But I DO have cigarettes!  Since tobacco and chocolate both contain some sort of stimulant, it is ok to assume that they will taste similar, too.  Remember to remove the cigarette butts before throwing the cigarettes into the mixture!

-- Step Four -- This next step requires some patience as we get the correct consistency.  Pour the mixture behind the refridgerator and leave it until you can throw it and make a satisfying 'thwump' noise.  The dust behind the fridge will absorb some of the excess moisture from the excrement.  I mean dough.

-- Step Five -- By now you will have been itching for a cigarette, but you threw the last carton into this dough.  You will be chewing some sort of gum trying to keep yourself from going mad.  Spit your gum into the mixture to give it that healthy, minty taste that the kids love.

-- Step Six -- This step requires a shoebox and someone else's car.  (Since the neighbor has already provided us with so much, it will probably be necessary to use the neighbor's car on the other side of the road).  Dump the dough into the shoebox.  Insert the shoebox underneath the drivers seat so that it is not visible.  Let cook for two sunny days.  You may notice your neighbor passed out in the car.  If so, simply remove the item being baked and cover the edges of your neighbor with aluminum foil.  This has no logical reason, but it seems like something Martha Stewart would do.

-- Step Seven -- Remember those cigarette butts we kept?  Yes, dig them out of your coat pocket!  Now, sprinkle them liberally on top of the now smoldering dish for that look that will knock the socks off of any passing hobo!

Recommended serving utensil:  Pickaxe

Recommended Dosage / Serving:  Zero pieces (but don't let your guests know that!)

Enjoy!


Boston Meatloaf Pancakes

Today's lesson in bamboozling your guests involves another play on words.  Your guests will hear you say the magic words, "Boston Meatloaf Pancakes".  As each syllable rolls off your tongue like marbles off of a 2000 pound woman wearing a tube top, your famished victim-er-guests will be processing, nay, devouring each word.  Lets start off with how this clever bit of psychology works:

Boston:  Not only does this word automatically make everything fancier simply by association, but if they liked the band Boston, they will no doubt begin remembering happier, innocent days when they were doing cocaine in their parents' basements while listening to "More Than A Feeling".  But beware - the song title may remind them that their paranoia of being poisoned by one of your delicious dishes is "More Than A Feeling".  Not that it's YOUR fault, I mean, it isn't the cook's responsibility to check and see if everyone has strong stomachs and radiation badges.

Meatloaf: Once again, there is subtle psychology at work here.  Not only does meatloaf give the guest an idea that they will be eating something meaty and delicious, they may also remember Meatloaf (the singer).  Nothing whets the appetite like memories of a chunky singer belting out some of your all-time favorites.  Additionally, breaking up some of Meatloaf's LPs into the food allows you to stay honest with your guests while showing them how shrewd of a chef you can be.

Finally... Pancakes:  Your guests, already blown away by the first two words, will be astonished to see them ended with the word 'Pancakes'.  Seriously - who doesn't like pancakes?  Add all of the words together and you'll have a dish that truly sounds, as Atariman would put it, AWESOME.  We all know that pancakes are just flattened-out deliciousness, so we should treat our guests to stack upon stack of wonderful treats.  Even if we have to force every bite into their joyfully screaming mouths!

Onward to the recipe!

--Step One-- First you must start with the "Boston" portion of the recipe.  I've found that the Little Debbie Boston Cream Rolls will work just fine for this.  The only problem is that if you're like me, you won't have any on hand and are on a limited budget that can't support that little tart, Debbie. (That whore)  I did happen to find some styrofoam balls and some gasoline, though.  Mix them together and you'll wind up with a wonderfully goopy, delectable, and slightly smelly syrup.  Everyone knows you need delicious syrup for pancakes - and syrup is never turned down by guests!  This will help make up for the fact that there are no Little Debbie cakes in the recipe.  Place the syrup inside a speaker that is playing Boston music for 1 hour.

--Step Two-- The meatloaf portion is going to be tricky.  The last few precious chunks of meat were used the other week to make a lovely, meaty breakfast cereal for Redoxian and all of my Meatloaf LPs were used by Atariman for his record cannon.  Rummage through your neighbor's trash until you have procured some heels from a loaf of bread.  Eat the heels and get ready for the fight of your life as you beat up a hobo for his sandwich - you'll need all of the energy you can get from those pieces of moldy bread!  Once you have won the fight, depending upon how well you "won" you may be able to make the choice to either put the sandwich or, if the sandwich got too much battle damage, the remains of the hobo into an overturned lawnmower.  Catch the food product in a newspaper (preferably the Sunday edition so you'll have comics to read) and put it into an old hubcap.

--Step Three-- Mix the "meat" in the grime-er-"spices" in the hubcap.  Your guests will applaud you for your quick thinking and incredibly strong forearms.  Now it's time to make it into the shape of a pancake.  Little does the average person know that centrifuges can be found nearly anywhere!  Why spend all of that time pouring the sludge out of the hubcap and pounding it into a flat shape with a sledgehammer in the middle of the driveway when you can simply flatten it out with clever physics?  Dump the contents into one of your neighbor's tires and put it back on their car.  Here's the hardest part of the recipe: follow your neighbor around until they inevitably have a blowout.  This will happen within 24 hours as the juices from the dish penetrate the rubber during the slow-cooking process.  There should be enough heat on the road to heat the dish to a blistering 110 degrees Farenheit - more than enough heat to kill off any germs that may have gotten into the food due to sloppy preparation and/or not washing one's hands after handling a dead badger.

--Step Four-- By now your neighbor has removed the flat tire and left the rubber by the side of the road (after all, everything is biodegradable) and you will be able to finally remove your disguise as they speed into the distance.  (Disguise only required if the neighbor has a restraining order against you.)  The tire makes a lovely serving dish (for free!) and can be placed directly on the table after liberally applying the syrup to the gigantic meatloaf pancake.  You may have a few left over hobo/sandwich chunks.  Stick toothpicks in these chunks for an appetizer that will make your guests shriek in excitement as they clutch their chests in happiness.

--Step Five-- Now sit back and enjoy!  Your guests will tear into the dish like a pack of wolves.  Especially if your guests are a pack of dogs.  Or wolves.  Or people Redoxian has had locked away in the basement for a few days without food.

Serving size: Enough to fill a spare tire

Recommended Serving Tool: A fairly clean oil-filter wrench or maybe a nice toilet brush.